Life in all its fullness — Forgiveness
Throughout our lives, most—if not all—of us will experience hurt caused by someone or something to varying degrees, whether intentional or unintentional. This may occur through harsh words, mistreatment, rejection, bullying, the breakdown of a relationship, tragedy, or as the victim of a crime or injustice.
Sometimes, the cause of our hurt may be quickly resolved. However, there are times when this is not the case. This could be due to the severity of the hurt, a misunderstanding, our perception of events, or the lasting impact of the offense. When we are hurt, anger and bitterness can flood our thoughts and emotions. It is natural to want revenge or to feel resentment toward those who have wronged us. After all, why shouldn’t they feel some pain too?
Not forgiving allows us to hold on to our sense of being wronged. Blaming others gives reason to our pain, helping us pinpoint its source. However, it can also justify holding onto that pain, fostering animosity, and even seeking retaliation.
While these reactions are understandable, if left unchecked, they can overtake our lives, disrupt our thoughts, prolong our pain, and affect our well-being. We may find ourselves trapped, repeatedly reliving the hurtful situation.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” – Nelson Mandela
Unforgiveness can also lead to hatred and a desire for vengeance. Once established, such hatred can be toxic, consuming our lives and causing stress and negativity. It may drive us to retaliate, perpetuating a cycle of harm. If one person’s unforgiveness fuels further hatred, the cycle will never be broken, something we see all often in the society we live in.
“Hate has caused a lot of problems in the world, but it has not solved any yet.” – Maya Angelou
Why Forgive?
Forgiveness does not excuse people’s behaviour, forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying us.
Choosing to reduce and eliminate hatred, bitterness, resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge is crucial to living well. Forgiveness is often seen as the antidote to the powerful emotions we experience when hurt. It sits at the heart of the Christian faith, reminding us to forgive others and recognise our own need for forgiveness.
Forgiveness is also widely endorsed by doctors, psychologists, counsellors, and even victims of serious crimes as a pathway out of pain. When we forgive, we create space for healing rather than dwelling in anger, hatred, and hurt.
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” – Nelson Mandela
Forgiving can feel difficult, primarily because we have a natural desire to protect ourselves, seek justice, and ensure that the offender is held accountable. Unforgiveness validates our suffering, reinforcing that what happened to us was wrong and undeserved. Why would we want to see someone who has hurt us feel better and benefit from our forgiveness? Surely this contradicts our desire that they should suffer some pain or consequences too. If we forgive, we may feel that what someone has done doesn’t matter, and that the pain we feel is somehow invalid. It may seem like forgiving lets the other person off the hook while we continue to suffer. However, when we truly understand what forgiveness is—and what it is not—we become more open to pursuing it.
What Is Forgiveness?
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is a choice. It is the deliberate decision to let go of resentment, vengeance, anger, and bitterness toward those who have harmed us. Importantly, this choice is independent of whether the other person asks for forgiveness, deserves it, or even wants it.
Forgiveness is typically unconditional too. Saying “I will forgive you if…...” places terms on forgiveness, leaving us trapped in pain if those terms are unmet.
Forgiveness is also the willingness to stop replaying our pain and shifting our focus from past harm to present healing. It’s a decision to try and put the past behind us rather than trying to change what has already happened. It moves us away from thoughts of retaliation and resentment and allows us to focus on our future rather than on those who have hurt us.
Forgiveness is about breaking the power that someone’s actions have over you.
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does change the future.” – Anonymous
What Forgiveness Isn’t
Understanding forgiveness also involves recognising what it does not mean.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. We cannot erase our memories, but we can reduce their emotional hold over us.
Forgiveness is not pretending the harm caused does not matter. The pain we feel is real, but seeking revenge or validation from others may not be the best course of action.
Forgiveness is not condoning or excusing wrongdoing. Justice may still need to take place, particularly when crimes are committed.
Forgiveness does not mean tolerating continued mistreatment. Setting boundaries and removing ourselves from harmful relationships is sometimes necessary.
Forgiveness does not mean restoring all relationships. Some may heal, while others may come to an end.
Forgiveness does not mean disregarding justice. Rather, it is a conscious decision to release pain and begin the healing process.
However, forgiveness is a conscious decision to start letting go of the hurt, lessening its grip on us so we can start to live again. It is an opportunity to heal ourselves and others. It is about a release from pain and an opportunity for freedom to move on. Importantly, it is a journey which can take time, but when we forgive, it should lead to a happier life.
The Benefits of Forgiveness
Forgiveness positively impacts our physical, emotional, and spiritual health, reducing stress and improving relationships. It shifts our minds from destructive thinking, helping us let go of anger, resentment, and sadness. Research suggests that people who practice forgiveness experience greater life satisfaction and lower levels of depression, anxiety, stress, and hostility. People who hang on to grudges however are more likely to experience depression and stress. These can lead to other health conditions such as increased blood pressure and anxiety.
Forgiveness can also improve sleep, boost self-esteem, increase empathy, and enhance our ability to express kindness. By forgiving, we reclaim our mental space, focusing on growth and positivity rather than pain. Where it is appropriate and safe to do so, forgiveness can also restore relationships that have broken down or been damaged. It can break the cycle of arguments, fighting, revenge or hated. Forgiveness can also help those who we forgive and, as much as we may not want to, it can help them to move on too.
For people of faith, forgiveness aligns with Biblical teachings, fostering a closer relationship with God and others. On a societal level, forgiveness can restore damaged relationships, break cycles of conflict, and contribute to a more compassionate world.
Forgiveness is literally life changing.
How to Forgive
Forgiveness is a journey, not a single moment. It takes time, and painful memories may resurface. However, taking intentional steps can help:
Acknowledge the hurt. Suppressing emotions can prolong pain. It’s okay to recognise your hurt and consider how best to process it.
Step back before reacting. Avoid actions that escalate the situation, such as revenge or public retaliation. Prayer or quiet reflection can help even if this isn’t something you are used to.
Talk to someone you trust about what has happened (ideally this would be someone who is impartial and able to help you to constructively move forward). This is especially important if someone is hurting, bullying or threatening you. Share your feelings with a friend, a counsellor, mentor, youth worker, teacher, colleague or faith leader. Seeking support can bring clarity and healing. It can help you to think through how best to respond.
Try where appropriate to think about the person who has hurt you differently and to see the positives in them. Whilst we have all been hurt, we have also probably hurt others too. Reminding ourselves that everyone is human can help us to develop empathy and compassion. However, don’t mistake this action as a suggestion that you shouldn’t seek help or lawful justice against perpetrators of abuse or violence.
Choose an expression of forgiveness. This could be a conversation, writing a letter (sent or unsent), writing and saying a prayer for a period of time or when painful memories come back, or simply making an commitment to let go and expressing this in a way that suits you. Only you can decide on the best way of expressing the forgiveness you have decided to give. Make sure you consider your safety and well-being when making this decision.
Live out your decision. Whether that means reconciling, setting boundaries, or simply moving forward with peace, allow forgiveness to guide your actions. It could result in you joining an organisation that campaigns against bullying and violence, or for a safer social media. Put your energy into getting on with life and enjoying the things you like doing and making a positive difference.
Commit to maintaining forgiveness. When past pain resurfaces, remind yourself why you chose to forgive and repeat any of the above steps if needed.
Forgiveness is a journey – it isn’t always easy but remember forgiveness brings healing. We need to elevate the importance of forgiveness in our lives and to others as one more step towards discovering life in all its fullness.
“Blessed are the peacemakers” (Matthew 5: 9 – The Bible)
Questions to think about or to discuss with others.
Should forgiveness be unlimited? Should you forgive someone repeatedly?
How do you define forgiveness?
Does forgiveness mean letting people off the hook?
Are there things that should never be forgiven?
Is revenge ever justified?
Why is forgiveness central in many religions?
What is the most inspiring forgiveness story you know?
What advice would you give to someone struggling to forgive?
Forgiveness experiments to try
Read a story or watch a film about people offering forgiveness.
Talk to someone you know who has had to forgive someone — ask them how they went about forgiving them and what, if anything, they found difficult. Ask them what the outcomes were after forgiving.
If you have been hurt, are being hurt, or feel angry about something that has happened arrange to talk to someone about it.
Take time to think about someone who has forgiven you. What impact, if any, did it have on you knowing that you had been forgiven?
Write a prayer or statement of forgiveness and say it each day for a week.
Take time to write a letter to the person who wronged you. Express your pain and the consequences of their actions. Then express your forgiveness for their action(s). There is no need to actually send the letter.